Music. Film. Cult TV.
The Nice Rooms Webzine
© gRadice 2017
The Nice Rooms Webzine: Music Film & Cult TV

The Nice Rooms Webzine

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The Back Room @

The Nice Rooms Webzine

Presents:

Rocking Chair & Roll by Gary Radice
A fifty-something's skewed and sideways take on an increasingly confusing world.

If you are viewing on a Tablet or Kindle, Desktop Version is recommended.

Letters

Dear

Mr N. Rooms person

I will keep this letter brief and to the point in order to answer your idiotic question.


I can categorically state here and now that I did not  keep The Sexual Pistols' version of my National Anthem from reaching the Number One spot in the Hit Parade during the  week of my Jubilee Celebrations in '77 by asking "my best pal back then Virginia Wade" to buy up every copy of Sir Rodney Stewart's hit single 'The First Cut Is The Deepest'


Just for the record, I certainly do mind you writing to me like this.


Your letter is a load of rotten testicles. 


Yours 


Liz


Dear

The Nice Rooms

I feel I must reply to your recent letter regarding your experience on Dragons' Den.

Having spoken with the Dragons in regards to their final decision, I'm told the reason you were unsuccessful in procuring financial backing from any of them was not as you wrote in your disgruntled letter "because I didn't laugh at the 'jokes' emanating from the guy on the right despite all his mates pretending to find them funny" 

Quite simply, you were unsuccessful because a) your product is not currently on sale in any of the major supermarkets and b) there is no evidence to suggest that you have even signed a contract with any foreign manufacturer or distributor as of yet.  

Doing all this saves the multi-millionaires lots of time and money. 

Thanks for appearing on the show anyway and good luck with your hot dog stall.

PS. The powers that be have demanded that the "Dragons' Den Group Sandwich" of yours be renamed immediately as all the sausages left a very bad taste. and they keep repeating.

Yours

E. D.

Unwise Words

I would advise anyone NOT to publish their photos on Facebook when on holiday. It's a robbers' charter. Unscrupulous people and Ne'er do wells may follow you out to wherever you are holidaying in the world and nick stuff from your hotel room while you are on the beach.

Go easy out there if your surname begins with an "A" -  According to lots of local newspapers I've perused, people die each week in alphabetical order. 

Telephone Call


- Hello, can I speak with the person who is responsible for all the Post Offices in Great Britain please?


- Yes, speaking.


- Why has your company wasted money on erecting four of those newfangled postboxes near to where I live? Last week it took me 10 minutes trying to post my letter to the tax department complimenting them on their all round excellent work.


- Sorry?..What?..Where  did you say have we erected them?


- Opposite my house. I spotted them walking my dog yesterday..Four of the things - one in each corner of the playing field. 

Letters

Dear

Nice Rooms

While we at Ikea were very happy to read in your letter that you liked your recent purchase, we were all disappointed to learn that you are now in the process of returning it.
  
I can confirm we will reimburse you but the fact that you have no room to put a storage system in your house continues to amuse us.

I would like to take this opportunity if I may, to thank you for giving our marketing team an idea for a Computer Game. It came about when you wrote in your letter: "I bought the Billy in a very stressed and tired state after having walked miles in and out of Hemnes, Gnedbys, Liatorps, Gersbys and Laivas following people who were following arrows in a desperate bid to find the exit."

Yours, 

Intern in charge of yellow bags
  

Unwise Words

Always remember to buy some in-house store insurance along with any Sat-Nav you purchase. Peace of mind if you lose it and can't find it anywhere.

Letters

Dear

Mr Nice Rooms

It was great to hear that you love Crimewatch and have never missed an episode since it first aired. 

On behalf of all the crew and everyone behind the scenes here at the BBC, congratulations and thank-you!

I have been asked - nay, ordered - by several police forces up and down the country to contact you at some point anyway.

The next time you ring the police with information concerning 'positive' sightings of a criminal or criminals, could you kindly check first of all as to whether the person or persons you are grassing up are indeed perpetrators of past crimes and not the actual actors who appeared in the Crimewatch TV re-creations.

It's all becoming very embarrassing and it's eating into scarce police resources.

Yours, knowing what it feels like in times of scarce resources because of all the shows I front for the BBC.

JV 

Dear

Nice Rooms

I really do not have time for all this.

I'm returning the oxy-acetylene torch, the lithium batteries, the Roman Candle firework and the wrinkled celery leaf you sent me in the post, together with that letter of yours that stated: "Go on then Hezza, make me a Waldorf Salad from this lot."

Yours Heston B.

Dear 

Mr Nice Rooms Webzine

Thank you so much for your gushing praise of the ITV show "The X Factor"

I have to agree with you; whenever it is aired on a Saturday Night, TV cannot be bettered! 

You had everyone here scratching their heads asking where the "totally awesome, hipster cool and rad mikes that the Boy Bands are seen using in the film clips" can be purchased from.

Well, if the clips you are referring to are those showing  the friendly unshaven guys rehearsing in the studio wearing a variety of wool hats while practising their street moves in front of some tall, wide mirrors, then I have a big surprise for you. 

They aren't microphones at all! They are plastic bottles of water that the guys just pretend are mikes!

Thanks again, and I'll pass on your kind comments to all and sundry about the show being 'sick'.

Yours,

Si

Retro Music

The Jam / "That's Entertainment" (Released on Import and reached No 21 in UK Top 40 Singles Chart in 1981)

Letters

Dear

The Nice Rooms

Many Thanks for your letter regarding cruises. It's nice to hear that you and your wife are seriously contemplating taking one this year  having watched the adverts on TV. I'm sure both of you will have a great time!

Unfortunately I don't own the cruise line; I am an actor who appeared in the said adverts and am therefore unable to
put your mind at ease as to the whereabouts of the other 2092 passengers during filming.

Yours, 

R.B.

P.S. Take money.

Dear 

Mr Nice Rooms,

Thank you for your letter that I received yesterday. 


Myself and all my staff here at The Mayor's Office are delighted that you enjoyed your short holiday here in London.


I am particularly happy that you love Covent Garden and the area known famously the world over as Seven Dials - so named because seven streets converge there.


However, I do have to inform you that I will not be taking up your idea of renaming Seven Dials "The One Dial with Seven Roads coming off it" any day soon.


For one thing, the name does not roll off one's tongue easily and besides, it would cost an absolute fortune to change all of the signs.


Yours with an optional service charge of 12.5% automatically added to the bill but not verbally mentioned beforehand as is the policy with most West End Restaurants these days,


Sadiq


Telephone Call

- Hello.


- Hello. Can I help you?


- Yes. I'm following a vehicle with one of those "How's My Driving? telephone numbers displayed on the back and I thought I'd ring it and let you know that it's being driven very well.


- Well, thank you for letting me know. I will pass on your kind comments. What's the registration number of the vehicle?


- er.. sorry about this..I'm going to have to put the mobile down for a sec... I've just turned... ... into a one way street... the wrong way ..Whoa! Sheesh!..(Horn beeping)


- Hello?

Dear

Mr N Rooms,

Thank you for your application.


Having perused a large number of curricula vitae with my colleagues  for the Press Secretary position, I regret to have to inform you that you have not been successful at this time and, therefore, I will not be inviting you for a formal interview.


I wish you every success in your career search.


For your future reference, I would suggest amending your CV and deleting the line " ..and I hate people too"  as this somewhat narrows your options in what is a very competitive jobs' market.


Good luck.


Yours currently contemplating hiring NHS consultants on an intern basis but not letting on yet,


Jezza

Dear

Mr N-Rooms,

Thank you for your correspondence.


I was at first heartened by your letter and somewhat flattered at your request for an interview for The Nice Rooms webzine, particularly as I understand that it was to be the webzine's 50th article and you had the title " If The Cap Fits" lined up for it.


However I would like to apologise here and now for having to put a dampner on your "potential double scoop" that you eagerly refer to later on in your letter.


I am not - repeat not - the female singer that used to front the late '70s / early '80s sensational pop duo Dollar and nor do I have a brother who is a musician, singer, songwriter and astrophysicist who used to 'gig' with Queen.


Yours Brexiting Stage Right,


Tess


For anyone out there who genuinely thinks that the letters above are real and were actually written by the people whose photos appear next to them; I salute you.  

-Your mind is more skewed than mine.

-  

Retro Music

Slade / "Look Wot You Dun" (Reached No 4 in UK Top 40 Singles Chart in Feb 1972)


Thanks for viewing The Nice Rooms!! 


Did you manage to find The Secret Room's entrance in any of The Nice Rooms? 

Search for a picture "where everyone lives happily ever after."


Gary Radice also runs the website: themagiceye that features articles about the past, present and future of Amusement Parks and their Rides.

themagiceye is hosted by Nick Laister's Joyland Books.