I will keep this letter brief and to the point in order to answer your idiotic question.
I can categorically state here and now that I did not keep The Sexual Pistols' version of my National Anthem from reaching the Number One spot in the Hit Parade during the week of my Jubilee Celebrations in '77 by asking "my best pal back then Virginia Wade" to buy up every copy of Sir Rodney Stewart's hit single 'The First Cut Is The Deepest'
Just for the record, I certainly do mind you writing to me like this.
Your letter is a load of rotten testicles.
I would advise anyone NOT to publish their photos on Facebook when on holiday. It's a robbers' charter. Unscrupulous people and Ne'er do wells may follow you out to wherever you are holidaying in the world and nick stuff from your hotel room while you are on the beach.
Go easy out there if your surname begins with an "A" - According to lots of local newspapers I've perused, people die each week in alphabetical order.
- Hello, can I speak with the person who is responsible for all the Post Offices in Great Britain please?
- Yes, speaking.
- Why has your company wasted money on erecting four of those newfangled postboxes near to where I live? Last week it took me 10 minutes trying to post my letter to the tax department complimenting them on their all round excellent work.
- Sorry?..What?..Where did you say have we erected them?
- Opposite my house. I spotted them walking my dog yesterday..Four of the things - one in each corner of the playing field.
The Jam / "That's Entertainment" (Released on Import and reached No 21 in UK Top 40 Singles Chart in 1981)
Thank you for your letter that I received yesterday.
Myself and all my staff here at The Mayor's Office are delighted that you enjoyed your short holiday here in London.
I am particularly happy that you love Covent Garden and the area known famously the world over as Seven Dials - so named because seven streets converge there.
However, I do have to inform you that I will not be taking up your idea of renaming Seven Dials "The One Dial with Seven Roads coming off it" any day soon.
For one thing, the name does not roll off one's tongue easily and besides, it would cost an absolute fortune to change all of the signs.
Yours with an optional service charge of 12.5% automatically added to the bill but not verbally mentioned beforehand as is the policy with most West End Restaurants these days,
- Hello. Can I help you?
- Yes. I'm following a vehicle with one of those "How's My Driving? telephone numbers displayed on the back and I thought I'd ring it and let you know that it's being driven very well.
- Well, thank you for letting me know. I will pass on your kind comments. What's the registration number of the vehicle?
- er.. sorry about this..I'm going to have to put the mobile down for a sec... I've just turned... ... into a one way street... the wrong way ..Whoa! Sheesh!..(Horn beeping)
Thank you for your application.
Having perused a large number of curricula vitae with my colleagues for the Press Secretary position, I regret to have to inform you that you have not been successful at this time and, therefore, I will not be inviting you for a formal interview.
I wish you every success in your career search.
For your future reference, I would suggest amending your CV and deleting the line " ..and I hate people too" as this somewhat narrows your options in what is a very competitive jobs' market.
Yours currently contemplating hiring NHS consultants on an intern basis but not letting on yet,
Thank you for your correspondence.
I was at first heartened by your letter and somewhat flattered at your request for an interview for The Nice Rooms webzine, particularly as I understand that it was to be the webzine's 50th article and you had the title " If The Cap Fits" lined up for it.
However I would like to apologise here and now for having to put a dampner on your "potential double scoop" that you eagerly refer to later on in your letter.
I am not - repeat not - the female singer that used to front the late '70s / early '80s sensational pop duo Dollar and nor do I have a brother who is a musician, singer, songwriter and astrophysicist who used to 'gig' with Queen.
Yours Brexiting Stage Right,
For anyone out there who genuinely thinks that the letters above are real and were actually written by the people whose photos appear next to them; I salute you.
-Your mind is more skewed than mine.
Slade / "Look Wot You Dun" (Reached No 4 in UK Top 40 Singles Chart in Feb 1972)
Thanks for viewing The Nice Rooms!!
Did you manage to find The Secret Room's entrance in any of The Nice Rooms?
Search for a picture "where everyone lives happily ever after."
Gary Radice also runs the website: themagiceye that features articles about the past, present and future of Amusement Parks and their Rides.